Never Wax Your HOO-HA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax', yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPPPPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture Prisoners Of War or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter... 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
IT WORKS!!
It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I am going to try hair color...............

Introducing N.A.D.C. Salem Branch

Here are the lovely, intelligent, smart, quick-witted, beauties of the Salem Branch of N.A.D.C.

As you will notice they vary in age, shape, and personal lifestyles but are the same race and all have dark hair except one and she is different than the others in too many ways to count!

Let me begin with JoAnn. She is the one who has been with N.A.D.C. the longest. She is a V.I.E. if you ask any of the important employees. She was with Head Start about a million years so if we get a brain freeze she is the one who unfreezes us.

She has alot of titles herself WIFE... MOM... PHOTOGRAPHER... SCRAPBOOKER... BEAR COLLECTOR... COMMODITY DISTRIBUTOR.... AND FIXING TO BE GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!! We are so excited for her! Alex is due in January I think and Clover is due in May! Congrats JoAnn!

Here she is getting tape for something. It is hard to tell exactly what she was tackling at this moment as she is ALWAYS creating something or making something better.

Next it Trenia. This lady is one of the smartest and funniest people I know! For all of you who read this I gotta let you know that she is the best BOSS I have ever had! She is so understanding of anything that might come up. If I am having a pissy day.... she let's me know that it is OKAY! She herself carries alot of titles too. She is DAUGHTER.... SISTER.... FREE BABYSITTER (to a little girl, boy, a baby girl, another girl, AND a set of little twins!)... TEACHER..... LISTENER.... AND MY PERSONAL CO- WORKER! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!

She is older than myself by a couple of years but a whole decade smarter than myself. The reason I say this about her is because she never married and has no kids of her own. If she needs a kid fix, she borrows them then returns them to the rightful owners when the fix is better. I have been shopping with her on numerous occasions also. Talk about a blast! There has never been any rushing or asking "Do you really need that?" She likes alot of the same things I do except the Razorbacks. She is a major fan while I myself am not so "HOG WILD" about them. It does make Christmas shopping easier though.

And last but not laest is Marie. I do not know her that well. I do know that she has a few tiitles herself too. She is ARMY WIFE.... MOTHER (to a teenage daughter)..... HEALTH AND SAFETY AID.... SISTER... AND DAUGHTER.

Marie joined us last year and it was cool cause now I am not the only SMOKER on the premesis! Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Now for the part about me. With this beong my blog and all I am not going through all my titles with you. I will get to the point! I am the goofball! There is a reason for this I think. Me... being the youngest.... being thte tallest..... get to perform ALOT of duties that would other wise strain my co-workers, cause injury to my co-workers or people who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and were totally innocent.... or would never get accomplished at all. I feel priviliged that I am so needed here. I never know what tasks I may be performing while on duty with these women. So delighted that I can perform the high, heavy, dirty, overwhelming, manly tasks which you all seek but are unable to accomplish on your own. Anything you need me for... I am a hollar away from being able to be of service to you. Thanks Ladies for needing me!

Oh excuse me JoAnn. I better let you know I would be glad to answer your calls, but if there's dogs doing the normal dog things outside when the state people come.... CALL BROTHER! He is better at that subject than I am! I hate trying to explain things to stupid city slickers!

Greyhound Homecoming Week

Every year at the school they do homecoming week. Hannah enjoys this week because she gets to be her goofy little self. Sometimes I think she goes a little bit overboard but........ HEY it is only for one week at least.

On Monday this year was Occupation Day. Hannah went as a MOVIE STAR! She was Scarlett O' Hara. (and a beautiful one if I might say so myself!) :)



Tuesday was MIX-AND-NOT-MATCH DAY. Okay so she pulled this off on her own. I did pull the half of her hair up for her but other than that it was her all the way! Great Job Hannah! (notice how she is still so so adorable?)


Okay Wednesday was a little odd. It looks like someone beat her! I really do not like this look but she enjoyed it and came up with some of it herself. I have to thank the ambulance for the neck brace that she used. The bruise on her eye is totally fake! I promise!!!!!

Thursday was Camo Day and Friday was black and gold day. She wore her normal clothes for both of these and I did not get pictures! Sorry Baby!

This week is over and the games been played. I wonder what she will wear next year during homecoming week?